Jeremiah 29:11

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I Didn't Think God Was That Good

I didn't think God was that good.

As I was sitting in the chapel and the group started singing it took everything I had not to burst into tears and RUN out.

I need to take you back to before that moment. Wednesday July, 3 2013, started like every other morning except I was packing for an overnight trip to a Christian camp my son was working at.  He had left on the 15th of June and this was going to be the first time I had seen him and I only talked to him a couple times since he left; something that was very atypical for us as we home schooled and spent lots of time together.  Even though I was going to see my son, I was heading to camp. Camp. Camp like kids go to, outside with well water and lots of strangers...not something that I like in the least.

I kept busy all day and then, it was time for church. The service was very typical and near the end of it I was "checked out" but was abruptly brought back when the pastor read his letter of resignation. I sat there completely stunned and then started to cry. I felt confused, miserable, sad, and a multitude of other emotions.

I went home and cried and cried. I have no idea what time I fell asleep but I knew the morning was going to come all too quickly. I don't remember the time we left; I guess it was about 5:30 in the morning. I "slept" in the car between siting there thinking and crying. How in the world we were going to tell our son? When would we tell him? How was he going to take it? How was I going to handle this time acting like everything was fine?

My husband and I talked and agreed it was really not the best thing to say, “Hi, nice to see you. Pastor resigned”. So we agreed to wait until the camp finished for the week on Friday afternoon, just about 27 hours from out arrival time.  We acted like everything was fine but inside I was a complete mess.. And now I was at camp. Camp. Bunk beds, stall showers, and two toilets for the roomful of ladies.  :(

At this point I am thinking, you have got to be kidding me, God. I am at one of the lowest points in my life and I am at summer camp! I hate everything about this! The only good thing was I was going to see my son but he was so busy working we didn't spend that much time together and I worried whether or not I could hide my inner turmoil.  I made it through the day, and enjoyed the quiet night with my family and managed to fall asleep in the middle bunk. It wasn't all bad but it certainly wasn't where I wanted to be!

I woke up extra early because I was tossing and turning all night and figured I would get showered before the mad rush of these ladies trying to get into one of three showers. I was up way too early! But it was great to have no one making noise and to finally have some quality time in my bible.  Eventually, people started to get moving and it was time for breakfast.

Right after breakfast it was time for chapel and then going home. Leaving, wonderful and yet dreaded because of having to tell the horrible news we knew. Chapel started and my husband was in my right, my daughter on my left and then my son came up to be with us sitting next to her.  Lost in thought again I sang the hymn mindlessly and I was still questioning what was going on and how I was going to deal with everything later that morning and for the unnumbered days of dealing with the aftermath of the resignation.  So now we are where we started from at the beginning of this post and I was sitting in the chapel and the group started singing it took everything I had not to burst into tears and RUN out.

There were two special music groups but the one that really got me was a husband and wife with 5 young children, all singing together and playing musical instruments

The song was, God Is Good, this is a similar version of it.

I had never heard it before. But at that moment I heard it and scoffed at it in my heart. I thought you haven't been good in my life! My dad died when I was 19, my marriage was still  "struggling" after 23 years, my extended family still wasn't saved, I was still struggling with the same issues since being saved, things weren't what I expected, and NOW you take away my pastor!!! I know that you're good but....this is not good.

That's when I heard the Holy Spirit say, "That's the problem, you know I am good but you don't believe I have been good in your life".

Nope. I didn't believe it. Faced with those thoughts, why would I think God was good? Have I had more gains than losses? Has he been there through it all? Did I feel blessed each night?

I honestly thought, no to all those questions.

God told me that although I didn't believe that he really has given me more gains than losses, he has been there even when I didn't know him or want him, and he has there through everything.

His grace rolled down upon me undeserved...
God has been my Father, Saviour, and Friend....

I admitted to God that I really didn't believe that he was good to me and I said I was sorry. A flood of things to be thankful for raced through my head like a movie.

I realized that I was basing God's "goodness" on my worst or hardest times and not noticing all the times he had been there.  He was still calling me to him because he wants all that for me!  He wants me to see what a blessing it is just to have Him. We all go through hard times, that's just a fact.  But now believing that even through the hard times God is good because he is drawing me to Him, I can't think he isn't good.

The way he makes our world operate alone makes him good; I don't wonder about things working right (the sun, moon, seasons, etc.), I take that for granted. The fact that he is the Maker of all makes him good. And the fact that he made things for me makes him good.  The truth is, I expected a lot from God. And we can expect things from him but when we only expect good things as “I” see it, we can't see it. I couldn't see God as good because he didn't meet my expectation of good.
  Let's face it, my version of good is a little off when comparing it to a universal plan.... And that's what I learned during that song that I wanted to run from, a song that only took about three minutes.

But three minutes is enough time for God to change a heart. :)

Since then, we did tell our son the news on the way home and of course he was upset and is dealing with it the best he can.  I purchased and played that song like crazy; I have had to "go back" to that place and had to repent of unbelief again. Like I said, I am just trying to see God in my day and some days are easier than others. And honestly, some things are easier to do than others.  I don't want to pretend that it was a special, miraculous moment and changed everything and I have been "great" ever since. No, I want you to know that it WAS a special, miraculous moment that changed my heart and thoughts to realize and accept that I need God. I didn't "arrive" on that day at a place where I realized God was good; I touched down and make myself remember that each and every day. It wasn't the day I arrived at "peace", it was the beginning of part of a journey to know Him better.

God is good. I believe that now.

Even through all that happens, I truly believe that.  I still have hard times and struggles... I still didn't get that perfect life (go figure), but knowing, understanding and BELIEVING God is good, makes the journey better!

Good isn't a place to arrive at, it's a daily journey to be with The God that is good. :)

Monday, October 28, 2013

Crying Time with God

I am one of those people that cry, even in public.  I know sometimes it makes people uncomfortable but just as it is weird to you I cry, I think it’s weird someone wouldn’t.  I know we are all different and I am okay with it.. I just tell myself it is just how each one of us is made.  Some people are criers others are not.

Last night after church, I cried.  Actually, I was bawling like a baby!  I was sobbing because I am hurting.  It’s the same stuff that has been going on and I am working on going forward but there always seems to be at least a speed bump or two or worse, potholes, on that road to recovering.

Last night was my night to have a “meltdown”.  And I was a crazy mess last night; tissues, tears, blowing my nose…and repeating.  My husband came in the room I was in during all this and had no idea what he was walking into.  My husband is so wonderful; he sat with me and he said a few things, I attempted to talk but mostly just blubbered.  He asked if there was anything he could do and I said there wasn’t and I just really needed to sit there and cry.  He doesn’t like that so much because he is a guy, but he agreed to leave me.  (That took YEARS to get him to understand that he can’t always fix things and sometime I just NEED to cry.  That’s a whole other post, which I might do so “all” you ladies can just show them this so you can prove you aren’t alone lol)

So, back to me...  I continued to cry and I prayed.  I cried some more and thought all kinds of things; what if, did it, how does… you know.  I cried some more and listened to my Bible, twice.  I fell asleep just like that.  I woke up throughout the night just heartbroken and prayed more and asked God to help.

I woke up early this morning and made my husband’s lunch and I went back to bed.  I didn’t sleep really, but rather prayed and thought and dozed off and on.

Here it is hours later and although the situation isn’t changed.  Although things are very much the same, I am different.  I told my friend about my night and she said, “It sounds like torture.  Do you do that all the time you are overwhelmed?”  I said, “No, only when it’s really bad”.

She didn’t understand it, but for anyone that really wants to know, this is why it works for me:

-I cry because I am heartbroken and the Lord understands.
Psalm 27:7-8 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.  When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

-I cry because I have no one else to go to that can actually help.
Proverbs 19:11 The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

-I cry because Jesus knows how I feel.
Isaiah 53: 4a Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows:

-I pray because He hears.
1 Peter 3:12a For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers:

-I pray even when it doesn’t make sense because the Holy Spirit makes my words something when I don’t even know what to say to God.
Romans 8:26  Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

-I read and/or listen to the Bible because it is the only Truth I can be sure of being truth.
John 17:17 Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

 I would LOVE to never be at the point I was at last night but reality is things happen that make people sin, cry, or get hurt.

My whole point is, this works for me!  You need to get to the place you rely on God. For me, my time spent crying, praying, and listening to the Bible was what I needed to get back on track from a very spirit draining place.  Each person needs to find out what actually fills them back up.  There are small things and big things throughout our day that drain us and we need to hear from God. 

Last night was my way of stopping and talking to the One that understood EVERYTHING!  He knows the truth and I don’t actually need to know the truth to move forward on the road of life; I need Him to just hear my heartache and comfort me… it’s a big order but something He is so willing and able to do.

If you never shed a tear, God still hears everything you are expressing but you have to go to HIM and express it somehow.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

When Tragedy Strikes

As church started last night I sat there physically present but my mind was miles away.  My mind was on things of the past, horrible news I had just heard and what that news is doing now to all that hear it.   News that I don’t care to think about much less write about it.  I wish I could just not think it and it would go away, but this thing is probably going to get worse before it gets better and probably involves much more than people know. L 

As we started our first song my mind came back to church and I smiled.  Amid everything that I was thinking, wondering what was going to be said by our pastor, and worry about who would say what, I smiled.  I smiled because I felt good, peaceful, relieved, and loved. This is the song:

No, Not One!
There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus
No, not one! No, not one!
None else could heal all our souls diseases
No, not one! No, not one!

No friend like Him is so high and holy
No, not one! No, not one!
And yet no friend is so meek and lowly
No, not one! No, not one!

There's not an hour that He is not near us
No, not one! No, not one!
No night so dark but His love can cheer us
No, not one! No, not one!
Did ever saint find this Friend forsake him?
No, not one! No, not one!
Or sinner find that He would not take him?
No, not one! No, not one!

Was the e’er a gift like that Saviour given?
No, not one! No, not one!
Will He refuse us a home in Heaven?
No, not one! No, not one!

Jesus knows all about our struggles
He will guide till the day is done
There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus
No, not one! No, not one!

I smiled because I felt God speaking to me through this song.  God is not gone.  God is still very much where he was before all this news became public.  Our eyes have been opened to sin, and I am not trying to justify it, all I am saying is that OUR walk with God is still OURS even though we heard this news.

I keep thinking, what happens now when trust has been broken and many people have anger, doubts, confusion, fears, and questions?  I am thinking, what do we do next?

Again, I am going to say the same thing,  FOCUS ON GOD.

We have example after example of people in the Bible that have done crazy, wicked, or stupid things.  These aren't just stories; these are examples of real people in real situations.  God left us what he wants us to know and things that would help us in his Word.  I can’t tell you what story will speak to you and what you might get out of the story, but that’s the beauty of God, He will! 

He wants us.  He wants to help us.  God wants us to read the Bible. God wants us to pray. 

God wants us!

When tragedy strikes, as I and those around me found out, our first thought shouldn't be to run away from God but TO HIM.  Protecting ourselves and our families doesn't mean hiding out, it means putting our trust back on Him rather than a man.

Jeremiah 17:5-7  Thus saith the LORD; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD.  For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh; but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land and not inhabited.  Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is.

We all need to look to God.  Look around you today and try to see God.  Remember what you know about Him. Read, listen, or watch what makes you connect with Him.  Rejoice in who He is and what He has done. 

Look at the words again:

No, Not One!
There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus
None else could heal all our souls diseases
No friend like Him is so high and holy
And yet no friend is so meek and lowly
There's not an hour that He is not near us
No night so dark but His love can cheer us
Did ever saint find this Friend forsake him?
Or sinner find that He would not take him?
Was the e’er a gift like that Saviour given?
Will He refuse us a home in Heaven?
Jesus knows all about our struggles
He will guide till the day is done

There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus
No, not one! No, not one!

Thank you Dear Lord that you are the One that watches over us.  Please help each person that reads this message to hear what you are saying.  Heal each and every heart. In Jesus name, Amen.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

God Is With Me

When my alarm went off this morning my very first thought today was, Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee”.  I LOVE when the first thing that goes through my head when I wake up is scripture!

That verse got me thinking right away how wonderful it is that God is ever faithful to stay with us ALWAYS. What a wonderful thought!  Then, I thought about the day I got saved and the next verse that came to my mind was, John 10:29 “My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand”.

With all the issues and struggles we face on a daily basis, I think we really need to stop and think about our salvation.  There is so much hope in Jesus Christ!  I know even as a stay at home mom, that I am busy, so busy I forget that this is all temporary.  Think about all the things you have to deal with in just one day… The Lord would love to have you thinking about Him while you are going through all that.  And I know that if your mind is on Him, at the very least your day will be spent with Him.

I really believe that God knows how crazy our days can be and that we will be noticing everything around us that needs attention.  Let’s face it; it is what we HAVE to do.  We need to work, take care of children, clean, cook, take care of other people, and many other things; whatever your day holds most of it is necessary things just to “get by”.   But God told us, Colossians 3:2 “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth”.  We have to do this on purpose, but think about the Lord Jesus Christ during everything you need to do. 

I know I put in a lot of scripture today, but my heart has been troubled lately and although I have been able to talk with my husband and that is good, he isn't home all the time with me nor even if he was could he possible handle all that goes through my head and he wouldn't want to!! But the Lord, He listens to it all!!  And not only that but I hear back from the Holy Spirit, just like all those verses I wrote today.

God is real.  He is.  He is everything I need.  Sometimes I just need to be reminded that he will never leave me and that nothing anyone on earth or in heaven can do to change that.  And often, I need to be reminded that I need to set my eyes upon Him and see things from an eternal perspective rather than the worldly one that surrounds me.

I have NO idea what my day holds, I know what I have planned and what I think it holds but really I cannot know what it will actually be.  But with God always with me and my thoughts on things above, my days go better.

 I am so grateful to have such a kind and loving God who cares about me knowing these things!


Monday, October 21, 2013

Seeing Things As They Are?

“Seeing things as they are” doesn't sound too difficult, does it?

We are right there. We are going through the time, situation, and interacting with people.  So, why is it that we see things only as we do and not as they are? I’m not saying we never see things clearly, but I am just thinking about the times I thought I so clearly had something figured out and then later wondered why I didn't see that, understand it, or believe it.

I feel like I have been parked there a lot lately…

My friend, we cannot be accountable for what people do, what people say, or how they seem one way and turn out differently; we can only be accountable for ourselves.

I am going to be honest, my faith has been shaken.  I needed and still need time to work though things that I didn't do but that have made me wonder…. Where do I stand in my Christian life now?  What does it all mean? How do I process all this??  What in the world is going on???

I have done one really important thing since I have been questioning “my state, my spirituality” or whatever it can be called.
The important thing is seeking God.  I have first, before anything else, have been saying, “God, I don’t know how to take all this in.  I know you are real but I don’t know if I know what’s real in my life”.

It doesn't matter what people are doing, have done in the past, or will do in the future.  People are sinful, plain and simple. 

God is the ONLY one that can be fully trusted. 
God is the ONLY one that can be believed.
God is the ONLY one that loves unconditionally.
God is the ONLY one that is never wrong.

When the doubts of your Christian walk come up, whether it is because of you or someone else, go back to God. 
Part of me, quite honestly, wanted to leave.  What is the point of all this I wondered.  Who cares?? Does ANY of “this” matter??

Well, the answer is yes.  Yes, it does matter.  My spiritual side got knocked like you wouldn't believe, but I still know that God is very real and it does matter to HIM. It matters very much to God that I keep going.

There isn't anything wrong with me.  Maybe my “spiritual” state isn't where I would like it to be, hoped it would be by now, or whatever.

But I realized something big!!  


Sure, I am a sinner; I will never measure up to Jesus, but hmmm  I don’t think God ever said I had to.  Yes, I should be more Christ like as time goes on, but for years I kept wondering what’s wrong with me. And I believe the answer is nothing.  I have been struggling but that’s okay. 

The fact that I keep TRYING to meet with God, attend church, read my Bible, and anything else I am doing, is not wrong.

The fact that I am struggling is NOT WRONG.

The thing that will be wrong is for me to turn my back on God because of what people do!!!

I can never, never say God hasn't been good because of what people have done.  I have thought it, but I can’t really say that because it just isn't true!

Psalm 9:9-10 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Be Still and Know That I Am God

I’m sorry you feel like everything around you is falling apart.  I know your big heart is hurting because of the decisions you have made, your loved ones have made, and just those around you have made.  I would never tell you any of those things aren't real issues.  People struggle with things and it shows up in other people’s lives as well as our own.

So, what can I say? I would love it if I really was able to fix all your problems with the words I say! I would talk your ear off if that was the case.  I can listen and I always want to.  I can pray and often do. 

But I still cant change anything because this doesn't have anything to do with me really. L

So what now? Sometimes we can’t change our situations or won’t change them.

Worst post ever!

I have no solution?  No hope??

Life is crazy!  There is no doubt about that, but sometimes we just don’t stop.  Life is crazy, so we work a little “crazy” for a while thinking it will help, but then something else comes up and makes life crazy, so we make ourselves crazy trying to un-crazy our lives…  Huh?

So, you are feeling overwhelmed.  Your faith has been shaken.  And you're tired of “it all”.

Today we are just going to stop.  We are going to my next favorite verse! J

Psalm 46:10a Be still and know that I am God.

It makes me calm just typing it. A big, deep breath, a smile, and God, that’s what I get out of that verse.

Did I always?  No.  Will you stop for a second and get that?  No.  I can actually hear you say, “Okay, I did it; now what?”  Well, it doesn't work that way, as much as you want it to.  I know you want to get back to your busy, crazy day and try to fix something….  But just stop for a few minutes and think about that verse. 

God isn't telling us all our troubles will go away because we stop, read his Bible, go to church… or anything else.

He said, “Be still”.   I don’t think he meant stop moving and squeeze him into the day so you can mark it off.  I think he said, “Be still AND know I am God”.  Those are very different things.  Know that He is God!  God can do anything! He controls the universe. He does EVERYTHING. Know that he is God.  Think about what he is saying:

I am God.

I am not trying to be flippant about this but do we know that? Compare all that you are doing or going through to Him… it isn't an even comparison.  And I know you know that.  And stopping for a few minutes changes everything??? NOPE!

Stopping isn't for Him.  Stopping doesn't make His day better… it makes your day better. Stopping helps you to focus. 

In other words, my dear friend, He is asking you, do you know who you are talking to and what I am capable of?

Stop for a moment.  Surrender what you know to do to fix it, surrender holding onto the thoughts in your head and tell him, I can’t do this.  Help me. Think about Him during the craziness… talk to Him like you would talk to your best friend and realize that yes, its just about that…

Be still and know that I am God.

Yes, you will have crazy left in your life, but God will be what helps you deal with the craziness.  And we all need someone on our side, who better than the Lord!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Praise God in the Storm

I can’t say what happened because it didn't actually happen to me, it happened to someone I know and care about. It is a very difficult situation and will affect many people.

And as I am thinking about it, I am not looking to cast blame, I am not looking for answers, I am not pretending I want to pray just to get some dirt, what I am really thinking is


Oh, how I wish we could all see that every situation, whether it is big or small, adds up to a big picture just like a puzzle…we can't see it in the beginning but eventually it will be a picture of something… ugly or beautiful.

Satan always wants it to be an ugly picture so he will always show us the piece(s), that look(s) great, but that will get us worked up the most in the least productive way!!!!!

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I am confused. I am angry.

But I still believe:
God is good
God is perfect
God is all knowing
God is ever present
God is wonderful
God is merciful
God is just
God is lovely
God is pure
God is righteous

God is and always will be what I need when I am all the things I mentioned.

People don’t do things right, so expect it.  God doesn't do things wrong, so believe Him.

God is still God and He is good.  Praise God in the storms too.

Psalm 117
O praise the LORD, all ye nations: praise him, all ye people.
For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the LORD endureth for ever. Praise ye the LORD.  

I can't understand what happened.  But I can still believe God, praise God and love God while I work through it in my head.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Really Long Post... or Supposed To

Today I am thinking I am tired of doing what I am “supposed to do” because I am supposed to.

I know that sounds very strange, but I think my life has revolved around doing what I am supposed to do for so long that it’s the only reason I do things. I am tired of the things that are part of my day to be done, “because I am supposed to” because I have realized that yes, God blesses our obedience but I don’t think that he is thrilled for our reason.  Really, how many people would be so excited to know you are just “helping” them because you are supposed to?  Ugh!!  It makes me feel bad just thinking about it!  Yet, I believe I have lived that way for a long time now and I don’t know exactly how it happened…

Maybe it was just me taking Titus 2:3-5 to a strange level, maybe it was what I was taught, maybe, it was just what I thought.  I just know that I personally do a lot of stuff because of the fact it is expected.  No matter how I got here, I don’t want to stay.

My head is rushing with thoughts much faster than my fingers can type and I have already been interrupted a couple times… so hopefully I will make some kind of sense with this.
What I am not talking about is the “everyday” things we do like, brush our teeth, get dressed, or eat, nor am I talking about when someone hurts us in a terrible way.  What I am talking about it all the things that we do on a daily basis that are needful to get done but we do them because we are supposed to.

Today I made my husband coffee and eggs; there was a time when our marriage wasn't strong and even that simple task became something I was supposed to do.  Each one of us can look around and see what needs to be done, and some things we just do and they don’t phase us in the least, but others look like climbing a mountain…AGAIN.  I guess this goes along with The Mundane.

If I am looking at my day as “what I am supposed to do” rather than a get to do or even a need to do, life is going to get very depressing very quickly.  And that is what happened to me; I lost joy in simple things.  I have been so concerned about doing what I thought was biblical, I forgot to enjoy anything. I feel like I wasted a lot of time doing what I was supposed to do because it would get me through.  But I ended up here at this place; A place that has brought me confusion rather than peace, a place that has made me not only see things as things I am supposed to do, but a place of not being happy…and more than that a place that I am sad in and sometimes completely depressed or overwhelmed by. My world has become a place to escape rather than embrace, a place to expect sadness, a place to expect feeling overwhelmed and behind. 

In “trying” to do what I was “supposed to do” (and what I was encouraged to do), I ended up in a very different place than I expected!!!  I expected some peace, harmony, acceptance, and ultimately a love for what I had and what I had to do.  And I guess those aren't bad things to desire…they sound heavenly…but all the while I was focused on the “supposed to” I couldn't see anything else and I haven’t had those things happen because I just did what I should. 


Well, I assure you I don’t have the answer.  Everyone is different in their situation, so I can’t possible say what your solution is.

I can tell you what I am going to do for me.

Yesterday, I started flipping through a book called, “Finding God’s Path Through Your Trials”, by Elizabeth George.  I will be completely honest, I borrowed this book from the library six weeks ago and it was due yesterday… I purposely looked for a book on trails.  I ordered it.  I picked it up.  And I let it sit just where I left it, until yesterday… hence the reason I flipped through it!!  No offense to the author, it was totally about me.  I wanted “help”, but as I thought about reading it, I kept thinking, “I can’t take one more person telling the same stuff”. 

What is the same stuff?... you know, God is great and powerful, God will help you if you focus on Him, every trail teaches you something and will make you grow… I know.  I know.  I believe God is wonderful.  I believe God is all powerful.  I believe He can do anything.

What I don’t believe is that he is going to help me.  Sinner!  How on earth could I even think that?!?!!!!!
Well, it’s what I think.  I want to believe.  But reality is, I didn't. 

Anyway, as I flipped through the book I noticed she had some sections called, “Taking a Step Forward”; you know the book was due, so I did what anyone would do, I read those sections (quickly)!! And thought I should maybe copy those for later (I didn't… I was supposed to, but I didn't hahahahaha)
Seriously, however, I put the book down and continued on my day and still haven’t looked at it, nor returned it… it’s just waiting for me.  So, the book might be good… I really can’t say! But that wasn't going to be what I told you I was going to do anyway… so I just wrote about that for no apparent reason…

Okay, back to what I am doing.  So, last night my husband and I had a 5 sentence exchange before bed.  As you could probably tell, it wasn’t a positive for me because I wouldn't have worded it that way if it had been.  It wasn’t a fight.  I wasn’t upset.  And if you ask my husband about it, he would reply, “what conversation?”. He went to sleep, I thought about life because that’s what I do when someone say something that makes me go hmmm (who would think a simple sentence would make me question the universe and all that goes with it J and you can only understand that statement if you are a crazy thinker like me..)
And I woke up this morning thinking how much I want God to be my center. . my everything and that he isn’t. I thought about last night.  I realized it was all about my perspective.  I didn’t like it, but yet I have done the same thing.  Hmmm, well now, it doesn’t seem all that bad then does it.  I mean if I did that same thing and I am a nice person… well, certainly, I could move on from something so simple and innocent and not have it determine how I am… I am bad with that!!

So, I started thinking about perspective.  And the “suppose to” things.  I keep asking God to help me see what I am not seeing, to put Him first, to enjoy what I, yep… what I am supposed to do (I said that…).
Then I heard Him.  (Because I wasn’t just complaining that my life is people making messes and me cleaning them up and I was tired of it.) I heard the Holy Spirit say, yes, that is what you are “supposed to do”, but you are looking at everything as “sacrifice”.

Even as I typed this I am asking God what he wants.. how does this post end?  What is the point you want? What am I missing that I need and anyone that might read this?

I am thinking all the usual things: peace in the trail, hope in Christ, God is all powerful, etc.  And yet, that still isn’t the answer. What I keep hearing more than anything else is Satan wants you to believe all that you’re thinking is true.  Well! Isn’t that a strange thing to say!!!  What is that supposed to mean!!

This is what I got from it.  Satan doesn’t care what we do as long as we aren’t doing anything really good for God.  If he can keep us so focused on what we think to be true, then mostly likely we will be stuck.  I am not in this place because I tried to do what I was supposed to do!  No, I am in this place because of what I THOUGHT about what I was supposed to do!!
We, I , can’t allow my thoughts to tell me whether I am right or wrong, happy or sad, stuck or moving forward.  My thoughts are just that… mine.  (Satan’s friends just have to whisper something and I take off running with it!!)

I know God is different than me.. hence the verse that goes with my blog.  

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end

I am, once again, going to choose to not listen to what my thoughts are telling me and try to see things more godly, fun and maybe even necessary.  What I am not going to do is look at my life as what I am supposed to do.  Those thoughts don’t help me move forward… those thoughts have hindered me.  Those thoughts have made me feel like I don’t measure up.  Since we are all different, I have to believe that “your way” is for you, and it might work for me, but it might not.  That is one of the most beautiful things about God, he wants me to be me, and you to be you.  

I say, let’s stop being what we are “supposed to be” based on people or even their opinion on what scripture says and start being what God wants us to be.  What is that?  I don’t know…go ask Him. J 

Friday, October 11, 2013

I Gave In

Yesterday afternoon I was completely and overwhelmingly sad for no apparent reason for about an hour.  It was very strange; it felt like a dark cloud descended on me and I couldn't do anything about it.  I read my Bible, I prayed, and I shed a few tears.

And then, I gave in.  I would love to write this post and say, and then I gave in and handed everything over to God and my world was peaceful. J

I didn't. L

What I did do was make a beeline to the freezer and get the ice cream.  I then grabbed a spoon and without moving from that spot, I chowed down on a boatload of ice cream straight from the container.

There are two problems with this.  First of all, I can’t eat ice cream because it makes me physically ill… I will spare you of details.  Let’s just say, I can’t eat it.  Now, that is problem enough.  Why did I want to make myself sick… well, of course that’s not what I was thinking when I was doing it.  NO, I was thinking, “this TASTES SO GOOD!!!!! and I feel so much better".

I knew I shouldn't eat it, and I heard myself say it, but I ignored it.  Why?  Because I WANTED it!

Which leads me to the second problem, I went to the ice cream rather than God.  This, in my opinion, is a far great problem than the first, which is pretty huge!! Oh, I felt better after eating the ice cream because I am a foodie… I “fix” things with food.  (You just think about what you go to rather than God and you will understand what I am talking about… there are so many things with do that with.)

Anyway, it got me thinking about how often we use our feeble attempts to “fix” our problems. It is still a great mystery to me that I can believe what I believe and still run to all my worldly options!  It doesn't matter who you are, at some point each and every one of us has run to something else besides God.( some people are just more obvious with what they pick than others)

If I seriously looked at my choices the ice cream container vs. God, there should have been a clear winner. That clear winner, who ultimately lost!  And what makes it even worse is the fact that He didn't lose anything only I did.  And that was my solution of choice…

Why on earth would I pick anything over Him??? And yet I do it in my thoughts, my actions, and my words on a regular basis.

Yesterday, I had a bad day.  Actually, I had a bad hour which turned into me feeling: guilty, ill, empty, and farther from God.  I know I don’t have the answer on how to see the option of escape, but it HAS to be there because God said it was.

1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

I didn't look for the escape.  I chose to see only what I thought would make me feel better. And, no surprise, it didn't make me feel better.  Oh while I was eating it I was enjoying it and it seemed to make me feel better, but it wasn't the escape that I should have been looking for.

Hebrews 11:25 Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season;

I wasn't willing to suffer through my storm and I picked the sin.  And no matter what I picked, unless it was God, it was a sin to me.  There would be nothing wrong with enjoying ice cream (if you can eat it) J if it was the fact you just liked it and wanted it.  It was a sin for me at this point, not because of the fact I get physically ill, but rather that I put it before God and nothing should come before Him. 

I will never know what the escape was because I didn't look for it.


Today, I am starting off with that thought in my head.  
Today, I am looking for God rather than what I think will fill that empty place only He can fill.
Today, I am realizing that moment doesn't define my relationship with God and I get to start again.

Lamentations 3:22-23 It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I Am Just Me

I pondered doing this blog for such a long time and when I did start I "knew" it was the right time and right thing to do but as the days have gone on I feel like I have nothing to write and have "heard" in my head all the negatives from Satan. I'm ignoring him but... It's not easy.

My desire is just to encourage someone, I can only do that if I write…but, I am feeling all the above so much right now, I just have been ignoring my blog
So, the other day I was talking to my friend about writing and she said, "I feel like I'm re-learning everything about Christianity that I thought I knew, so I probably shouldn't say anything out loud when I'm still trying to figure out what I believe".

My reply was, if I wait until I feel like my spirit, what I have learned, and what I "know" are good, I will never write!  That’s what’s happening this week.  I have had this post written for days, but it was like two posts and it wasn't working and I felt like “what is the point”.

I guess the point is.... I don't have it all together and I don't know so much. I doubt, I fear, I sin daily, and do a lot of other not so "Christian" things in my life. I struggle all the time with the fact that I am not where I think I should be. And that’s hard because no one wants to put themselves out there to be shown a failure. I don’t want to be a person that say, do what I say not what I do.

I want people to see flaws are normal things we need to work through and not as "I failed again", because based on that, we will never be able to live a Christian life. I just want to be real and show that God is still good even when we aren't seeing him, doing right, or looking like the “good Christian we should be”.

Revelation 12:11a says, And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony

 I don’t think I can do much for God.  I know He will use people but I have never felt like “that person”, but if we don’t tell people our testimony then they feel alone, useless, and just there sometimes.  I think that too often I don’t see just by doing something that is part of my regular day as my testimony.  I forget too much that everything I do and go through is the opportunity to share Christ’s overcoming power.
Why do we expect people to be so good when we are all so bad? Anything that happened today that was good was from God.

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

Romans 7:21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

Maybe we just need to let go and let God work in us and stop worrying about how we might look to others, or that we didn't keep up with “God’s standards”.  If I am doing good and evil is still around, then I am bound to not do things right sometimes… more often than not.  We are wrapped in sinful flesh.  Anything we do that is good is from God.  Everything else we don’t do can still point to Him because of what He did.

I can wait until I am “right” before I start to write about struggles, God, good, bad, marriage, or anything else.  I will never, NEVER be able to say anything to anyone if I wait until I reach a certain level.

I am just me.  I messed up today, God didn't.  He knows I can’t look good without Him, I need to remember that each and every moment and get back up and try to do my best again.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Matthew 7:7-11

Matthew 7:7-11
 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

As I was reading my bible today, these verses stood out.  I have some things that I need. Some things are real, physical needs: food, water, clothing, and shelter.  Some things aren't material, but needs none the less: pure heart, godly thoughts, change of heart, love, kind words, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.

God clearly states in Matthew that I need to ask Him and He will give me “good things”.

My thoughts are simple today…

Sometimes I just forget to ask Him.

Did you ask today?