Jeremiah 29:11

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I Didn't Think God Was That Good

I didn't think God was that good.

As I was sitting in the chapel and the group started singing it took everything I had not to burst into tears and RUN out.

I need to take you back to before that moment. Wednesday July, 3 2013, started like every other morning except I was packing for an overnight trip to a Christian camp my son was working at.  He had left on the 15th of June and this was going to be the first time I had seen him and I only talked to him a couple times since he left; something that was very atypical for us as we home schooled and spent lots of time together.  Even though I was going to see my son, I was heading to camp. Camp. Camp like kids go to, outside with well water and lots of strangers...not something that I like in the least.

I kept busy all day and then, it was time for church. The service was very typical and near the end of it I was "checked out" but was abruptly brought back when the pastor read his letter of resignation. I sat there completely stunned and then started to cry. I felt confused, miserable, sad, and a multitude of other emotions.

I went home and cried and cried. I have no idea what time I fell asleep but I knew the morning was going to come all too quickly. I don't remember the time we left; I guess it was about 5:30 in the morning. I "slept" in the car between siting there thinking and crying. How in the world we were going to tell our son? When would we tell him? How was he going to take it? How was I going to handle this time acting like everything was fine?

My husband and I talked and agreed it was really not the best thing to say, “Hi, nice to see you. Pastor resigned”. So we agreed to wait until the camp finished for the week on Friday afternoon, just about 27 hours from out arrival time.  We acted like everything was fine but inside I was a complete mess.. And now I was at camp. Camp. Bunk beds, stall showers, and two toilets for the roomful of ladies.  :(

At this point I am thinking, you have got to be kidding me, God. I am at one of the lowest points in my life and I am at summer camp! I hate everything about this! The only good thing was I was going to see my son but he was so busy working we didn't spend that much time together and I worried whether or not I could hide my inner turmoil.  I made it through the day, and enjoyed the quiet night with my family and managed to fall asleep in the middle bunk. It wasn't all bad but it certainly wasn't where I wanted to be!

I woke up extra early because I was tossing and turning all night and figured I would get showered before the mad rush of these ladies trying to get into one of three showers. I was up way too early! But it was great to have no one making noise and to finally have some quality time in my bible.  Eventually, people started to get moving and it was time for breakfast.

Right after breakfast it was time for chapel and then going home. Leaving, wonderful and yet dreaded because of having to tell the horrible news we knew. Chapel started and my husband was in my right, my daughter on my left and then my son came up to be with us sitting next to her.  Lost in thought again I sang the hymn mindlessly and I was still questioning what was going on and how I was going to deal with everything later that morning and for the unnumbered days of dealing with the aftermath of the resignation.  So now we are where we started from at the beginning of this post and I was sitting in the chapel and the group started singing it took everything I had not to burst into tears and RUN out.

There were two special music groups but the one that really got me was a husband and wife with 5 young children, all singing together and playing musical instruments

The song was, God Is Good, this is a similar version of it.

I had never heard it before. But at that moment I heard it and scoffed at it in my heart. I thought you haven't been good in my life! My dad died when I was 19, my marriage was still  "struggling" after 23 years, my extended family still wasn't saved, I was still struggling with the same issues since being saved, things weren't what I expected, and NOW you take away my pastor!!! I know that you're good but....this is not good.

That's when I heard the Holy Spirit say, "That's the problem, you know I am good but you don't believe I have been good in your life".

Nope. I didn't believe it. Faced with those thoughts, why would I think God was good? Have I had more gains than losses? Has he been there through it all? Did I feel blessed each night?

I honestly thought, no to all those questions.

God told me that although I didn't believe that he really has given me more gains than losses, he has been there even when I didn't know him or want him, and he has there through everything.

His grace rolled down upon me undeserved...
God has been my Father, Saviour, and Friend....

I admitted to God that I really didn't believe that he was good to me and I said I was sorry. A flood of things to be thankful for raced through my head like a movie.

I realized that I was basing God's "goodness" on my worst or hardest times and not noticing all the times he had been there.  He was still calling me to him because he wants all that for me!  He wants me to see what a blessing it is just to have Him. We all go through hard times, that's just a fact.  But now believing that even through the hard times God is good because he is drawing me to Him, I can't think he isn't good.

The way he makes our world operate alone makes him good; I don't wonder about things working right (the sun, moon, seasons, etc.), I take that for granted. The fact that he is the Maker of all makes him good. And the fact that he made things for me makes him good.  The truth is, I expected a lot from God. And we can expect things from him but when we only expect good things as “I” see it, we can't see it. I couldn't see God as good because he didn't meet my expectation of good.
  Let's face it, my version of good is a little off when comparing it to a universal plan.... And that's what I learned during that song that I wanted to run from, a song that only took about three minutes.

But three minutes is enough time for God to change a heart. :)

Since then, we did tell our son the news on the way home and of course he was upset and is dealing with it the best he can.  I purchased and played that song like crazy; I have had to "go back" to that place and had to repent of unbelief again. Like I said, I am just trying to see God in my day and some days are easier than others. And honestly, some things are easier to do than others.  I don't want to pretend that it was a special, miraculous moment and changed everything and I have been "great" ever since. No, I want you to know that it WAS a special, miraculous moment that changed my heart and thoughts to realize and accept that I need God. I didn't "arrive" on that day at a place where I realized God was good; I touched down and make myself remember that each and every day. It wasn't the day I arrived at "peace", it was the beginning of part of a journey to know Him better.

God is good. I believe that now.

Even through all that happens, I truly believe that.  I still have hard times and struggles... I still didn't get that perfect life (go figure), but knowing, understanding and BELIEVING God is good, makes the journey better!

Good isn't a place to arrive at, it's a daily journey to be with The God that is good. :)

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