Today I am thinking I am tired of doing what I am “supposed to do” because I am supposed to.
I know that sounds very strange, but I think my life has revolved around doing what I am supposed to do for so long that it’s the only reason I do things. I am tired of the things that are part of my day to be done, “because I am supposed to” because I have realized that yes, God blesses our obedience but I don’t think that he is thrilled for our reason. Really, how many people would be so excited to know you are just “helping” them because you are supposed to? Ugh!! It makes me feel bad just thinking about it! Yet, I believe I have lived that way for a long time now and I don’t know exactly how it happened…
Maybe it was just me taking Titus 2:3-5 to a strange level, maybe it was what I was taught, maybe, it was just what I thought. I just know that I personally do a lot of stuff because of the fact it is expected. No matter how I got here, I don’t want to stay.
My head is rushing with thoughts much faster than my fingers can type and I have already been interrupted a couple times… so hopefully I will make some kind of sense with this.
What I am not talking about is the “everyday” things we do like, brush our teeth, get dressed, or eat, nor am I talking about when someone hurts us in a terrible way. What I am talking about it all the things that we do on a daily basis that are needful to get done but we do them because we are supposed to.
Today I made my husband coffee and eggs; there was a time when our marriage wasn't strong and even that simple task became something I was supposed to do. Each one of us can look around and see what needs to be done, and some things we just do and they don’t phase us in the least, but others look like climbing a mountain…AGAIN. I guess this goes along with The Mundane.
If I am looking at my day as “what I am supposed to do” rather than a get to do or even a need to do, life is going to get very depressing very quickly. And that is what happened to me; I lost joy in simple things. I have been so concerned about doing what I thought was biblical, I forgot to enjoy anything. I feel like I wasted a lot of time doing what I was supposed to do because it would get me through. But I ended up here at this place; A place that has brought me confusion rather than peace, a place that has made me not only see things as things I am supposed to do, but a place of not being happy…and more than that a place that I am sad in and sometimes completely depressed or overwhelmed by. My world has become a place to escape rather than embrace, a place to expect sadness, a place to expect feeling overwhelmed and behind.
In “trying” to do what I was “supposed to do” (and what I was encouraged to do), I ended up in a very different place than I expected!!! I expected some peace, harmony, acceptance, and ultimately a love for what I had and what I had to do. And I guess those aren't bad things to desire…they sound heavenly…but all the while I was focused on the “supposed to” I couldn't see anything else and I haven’t had those things happen because I just did what I should.
SO NOW WHAT?????
Well, I assure you I don’t have the answer. Everyone is different in their situation, so I can’t possible say what your solution is.
I can tell you what I am going to do for me.
Yesterday, I started flipping through a book called, “Finding God’s Path Through Your Trials”, by Elizabeth George. I will be completely honest, I borrowed this book from the library six weeks ago and it was due yesterday… I purposely looked for a book on trails. I ordered it. I picked it up. And I let it sit just where I left it, until yesterday… hence the reason I flipped through it!! No offense to the author, it was totally about me. I wanted “help”, but as I thought about reading it, I kept thinking, “I can’t take one more person telling the same stuff”.
What is the same stuff?... you know, God is great and powerful, God will help you if you focus on Him, every trail teaches you something and will make you grow… I know. I know. I believe God is wonderful. I believe God is all powerful. I believe He can do anything.
What I don’t believe is that he is going to help me. Sinner! How on earth could I even think that?!?!!!!!
Well, it’s what I think. I want to believe. But reality is, I didn't.
Anyway, as I flipped through the book I noticed she had some sections called, “Taking a Step Forward”; you know the book was due, so I did what anyone would do, I read those sections (quickly)!! And thought I should maybe copy those for later (I didn't… I was supposed to, but I didn't hahahahaha)
Seriously, however, I put the book down and continued on my day and still haven’t looked at it, nor returned it… it’s just waiting for me. So, the book might be good… I really can’t say! But that wasn't going to be what I told you I was going to do anyway… so I just wrote about that for no apparent reason…
Okay, back to what I am doing. So, last night my husband and I had a 5 sentence exchange before bed. As you could probably tell, it wasn’t a positive for me because I wouldn't have worded it that way if it had been. It wasn’t a fight. I wasn’t upset. And if you ask my husband about it, he would reply, “what conversation?”. He went to sleep, I thought about life because that’s what I do when someone say something that makes me go hmmm (who would think a simple sentence would make me question the universe and all that goes with it J and you can only understand that statement if you are a crazy thinker like me..)
And I woke up this morning thinking how much I want God to be my center. . my everything and that he isn’t. I thought about last night. I realized it was all about my perspective. I didn’t like it, but yet I have done the same thing. Hmmm, well now, it doesn’t seem all that bad then does it. I mean if I did that same thing and I am a nice person… well, certainly, I could move on from something so simple and innocent and not have it determine how I am… I am bad with that!!
So, I started thinking about perspective. And the “suppose to” things. I keep asking God to help me see what I am not seeing, to put Him first, to enjoy what I, yep… what I am supposed to do (I said that…).
Then I heard Him. (Because I wasn’t just complaining that my life is people making messes and me cleaning them up and I was tired of it.) I heard the Holy Spirit say, yes, that is what you are “supposed to do”, but you are looking at everything as “sacrifice”.
Even as I typed this I am asking God what he wants.. how does this post end? What is the point you want? What am I missing that I need and anyone that might read this?
I am thinking all the usual things: peace in the trail, hope in Christ, God is all powerful, etc. And yet, that still isn’t the answer. What I keep hearing more than anything else is Satan wants you to believe all that you’re thinking is true. Well! Isn’t that a strange thing to say!!! What is that supposed to mean!!
This is what I got from it. Satan doesn’t care what we do as long as we aren’t doing anything really good for God. If he can keep us so focused on what we think to be true, then mostly likely we will be stuck. I am not in this place because I tried to do what I was supposed to do! No, I am in this place because of what I THOUGHT about what I was supposed to do!!
We, I , can’t allow my thoughts to tell me whether I am right or wrong, happy or sad, stuck or moving forward. My thoughts are just that… mine. (Satan’s friends just have to whisper something and I take off running with it!!)
I know God is different than me.. hence the verse that goes with my blog.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end
I am, once again, going to choose to not listen to what my thoughts are telling me and try to see things more godly, fun and maybe even necessary. What I am not going to do is look at my life as what I am supposed to do. Those thoughts don’t help me move forward… those thoughts have hindered me. Those thoughts have made me feel like I don’t measure up. Since we are all different, I have to believe that “your way” is for you, and it might work for me, but it might not. That is one of the most beautiful things about God, he wants me to be me, and you to be you.
I say, let’s stop being what we are “supposed to be” based on people or even their opinion on what scripture says and start being what God wants us to be. What is that? I don’t know…go ask Him. J